Still Recovering

I didn't even realize until last night that I never posted an update on my weekend trip of interviews. Life is so busy these days! Not to mention that I'm still recovering from the whirlwind that was my weekend.

The hospital interview went fine. The interviewing committee was made up of five chaplains. It was a fairly easy interview, which surprised me. Usually nothing is simple or easy with CPE. We talked about an hour. Then I did the hospital tour. (The highlight: the baby nursery, of course! Nothing like talking to a grandma as she looks in total adoration at her brand new granddaughter!) Then I traveled across town and toured their other hospital, guided by a resident chaplain there.

I left that hospital and drove straight to the beach. I did a quick change in the back of the mommy-mobile. Minivans are good for that, you know. I hit the beach and walked, and walked, and walked. That's what beaches are for, isn't it? When I got tired I sat down to listen to the waves and watch the tide come in. Peace. It was wonderful. It took a seriously grumbling stomach to chase me off the beach - some 2 1/2 hours later.

I had a great girl's night out with my UMC pastor friend. We had some fun, light-hearted moments, but some rather serious moments as well. This is the anniversary month of the death of our mutual friend eight years ago. K was with Susan when she died. That heartbreaking event changed both our lives forever, in part by bringing me and K into the same circle. Oh, the crazy ways our lives have intersected since! I think we both needed to process our loss together. Sobering, but healing.

I had a restless night. Too tired. Too anxious. Too much good food eaten too late at night. And ironically enough for a woman who so looked forward to being away from home alone, too lonely.

My church interview began at 10:30 Saturday morning. Only 3 of the 5 committee members were there - the other 2 were out of town. We had the 'official' interview there at the church from 10:30-1:00. At 1:00, they took me to a great little Greek restaurant for lunch. The conversation continued, but much of our lunch conversation was more social in nature. I learned a lot about each of their families and some about the community. After lunch they gave me a driving tour of the town. This was helpful to me, because all I knew of this town was what I had seen just off interstate on my trips through. There are neighborhoods and a cute little downtown that I never would have found on my own. Once we were back at the church, we talked just a few more minutes before parting ways. At 4:15. Almost six hours after we began. Phew! I have to admit that it was fun though. They were friendly, gracious people - easy to talk with. We had some good conversations. But for this introvert, almost six hours straight of being 'on' is enough to put me under for at least a couple of days afterwards, which it did.

The outcome of the weekend so far? I received a letter yesterday saying I've been accepted into the CPE residency program beginning the first week of September. I am supposed to let them know within a week whether I plan to accept. I need more than a week to make that decision, however, because the church conversation is still on-going. As soon as I work up the nerve, I will ask them for an extension. I am scheduled to return on May 24th to preach at a neutral pulpit for the PNC. We all wanted an earlier date, but that was the earliest they could coordinate with another church and with each committee member's schedule.

I looked ahead at the lectionary for that week and had to chuckle. The Acts passage is about selecting leadership - the casting of lots to decide between Matthias and Joseph/Barsabbas/Justus as the replacement for Judas. God's sense of humor again! Should I bring dice to hand out to the PNC members?

In the meantime, I am calling and talking to the church's references listed on their church information form. I held off on making the calls until after the interview. I wanted to be able to go into the process with an open mind. Now I am ready to know what others say. I had a good conversation with a former pastor yesterday. I will call their presbytery exec today. We've talked before, but not specifically about the church's strengths and weaknesses. The third reference listed is an elderly woman, a church member, that one of the PNC members referred to several times as "The Boss." Tell me that isn't a loaded nickname! That should make for an interesting conversation. (And please, God, don't let me say anything stupid that will offend "The Boss"! LOL! I managed to offend "The Boss" at Small Church less than 3 years into my time here. One never fully recovers from such!)

Interesting note: a popular television drama is filmed in this town. They drove me by some of the filming locations and while I haven't watched the series, I recognized these places just from commercials. In this series, anytime they have a scene set in a church, it is the church where I interviewed. Fun! If I am called there, think I can work my way in as an extra??!! Nah. I'm not exactly photogenic. LOL! Regardless, I see a trip to Blockbuster in the near future so I can catch up on the series.

Moving On

Small Church held a congregational meeting on Sunday to vote on the agreement that the session and I hammered out last month. While a number of members had talked privately to me about how they didn't like what was happening, the vote went without a hitch. The vote was a formality really. No matter what the vote, I'm out of there the very, very first chance I get.

Speaking of chances to get out, I have two interviews coming up at the end of the week. Both interviews are in the same city, about 3 1/2 hours from Small Town. It is a place I think I would like living. A lot.

The first interview will be on Friday afternoon. This interview is for a year-long CPE residency program. This is something I would like to do. I think it's likely that this would be a pivotal time for that kind of training and personal work. The problem is the pay. Pitiful. I'm not at all sure I could survive. In fact I know I couldn't without some kind of supplemental job or money raining down from heaven. It does have health insurance that is also available to the kids. That is key. And it does pay more than unemployment! If nothing else, simply writing out the CPE application essay questions was good for me. Introspection is needed these days.

The second interview will take place on Saturday morning. It is a church interview. The church is a small church, but not nearly as small as Small Church. It hosts their presbytery's Hispanic ministry, a ministry that is near and dear to my heart. A good friend of mine, a former colleague in this presbytery who moved there a few years ago to head up a new church start, seems to think it would be a good match. I sent them my information back in January. For a couple of months now I've been hearing from my friend, from their EP, and from my EP that they were calling me for an interview. I waited, and waited, and waited. The chair of the committee finally called last week to request sermon tapes and a phone interview. When I mentioned that I would be in town this week, he quickly jumped on the opportunity for a face-to-face meeting. Phew! I hate phone interviews! We'll meet around 10:30 for the interview, followed by lunch together.

So Friday morning I'll send Rosemary off to school and pack up my stuff and my little ones in the mommy-mobile. I'll meet my parents along the way to drop off the kids. Then I'm on my way. Alone. ALONE! This is not a vacation, mind you. I've got to make sure I focus on both interviews. I need at least one of these opportunities to work out. Still, from mid-afternoon on Friday until Saturday morning I'm on my own. I can meet up with friend(s). Or not. I can go to a movie, or sightseeing, or to the beach. (With the weather forecast predicting sunny skies with a high in the lower 80's, I'm thinking the beach is sounding good.) Then again, I could go to the hotel and sleep. Ah, sleep. What does that feel like again? The trip will be too short with periods of high stress - or at least periods of focused energy and effort. Who knows? If the chemistry is right, the interviews could be (almost) fun!

Even if the trip is short and potentially stressful, I can't wait! I love nothing more than being a mommy, but after last week (a son with strep and a daughter with pneumonia) and this week (with its three soccer games, recuperating patients, and a soccer player with a new knee injury) even a short period of time with no one to take care of except myself sounds like pure heaven.

All week long I've been trying to prepare myself for the interviews. The church interview in particular is challenging. After being both burned out and so recently burned by the church, I'm having to work hard on taming my cynicism. After having so many ideas shot down and opportunities squandered by my current church leaders, I've been guilty of settling for less than I would want - from the church and for myself. The reading and brainstorming has been good for me, even if I do have to tell my injured, cynical inner voice to shut up when my more genuine, idealistic pastor self gets excited about possibilities.

I'm not nervous - yet. But I do have a couple of questions for you. First, what is the appropriate attire for a Saturday morning interview? Same as any other time? What's the best bet for looking professional but not overdressed, not knowing if the committee sees a Saturday as less formal somehow? I hate worrying about stupid stuff like clothes, but yet I know how important a first impression can be. And second, from those of you who have interviewed recently, what questions were you asked that you wish you had been better prepared to answer? And what questions are really important to ask? (It is, after all, a two-way interview. Not only do I need to be a good match for them, but also they for me.)

And finally, please pray. I am so ready to have a direction to move toward, an opportunity to be excited about, and a location to call my new home. Maybe . . .

Ponytails Conquer All!

The Saturday before Easter was Emily's first real big-girl day out with a friend. Her best school friend, Ellie, invited her to an Easter egg hunt with her church followed by girl time at her house. When I talked to Ellie's mom, she mentioned something about a church member dressing up as the Easter Bunny. I warned her that Emily is petrified of the Easter Bunny. Petrified! She assured me that Ellie felt the same way and she would make sure the girls stayed clear.

I took Emily to the home where the egg hunt was taking place. They had a beautiful, large field behind the house - perfect for a large egg hunt. I pulled up beside Ellie's mom. We got out and did the mom thing - programmed each other's cell phone numbers in our contact lists. About that time the girls spotted the Easter Bunny on the other side of the field. Ellie squealed "Oh no!" and promptly squatted down and hid behind her 17-month-old little sister! Too funny! I tried to get a hug and kiss from Emily as I prepared to leave, but she would have nothing to do with that - big girls don't need that kind of hovering attention!

I picked Emily up from Ellie's house some 6 hours later. She'd had a blast and was nowhere near ready to come home. Ellie's mom pulled me aside and showed me a couple of priceless pictures from the egg hunt. I was thrilled to get copies of them today.

Ponytails - Wonder what they were talking about?!

Conquering our fears! You go, girls!

He Does It Again!

Christians at Play

A Must See

This is making its rounds across the internet and in many blogs, but if you haven't seen the amazing Susan Boyle from Britain yet, then please click through and watch this. Amazing.

Going Away Gifts

Warning: Snark alert!

I found an excellent parting gift for the elders at Small Church. What do you think?

Good Friday II

It is truly a gray day. We've had a series of showers and thunderstorms to blow through already and the worst is supposedly yet to come. I'm ready for a night at home. I brought my outdoor kitty in and put him in my bedroom. My outdoor dog is safely on the back porch. They say that hail is a real possibility with the storms headed in, so I want my babies to be safe. Scratch, my biggest scaredy cat, um dog, is lying now at my feet. I have no clue what we'll eat for supper. Mother Hubbard's cupboard is practically bare. We'll find something. A night at home will be worth a cereal or sandwich supper. I think.

Good Friday

Small Church did not have a Good Friday service this year, so I joined two of my best friends as we drove up the road to a neighboring town to attend a noon service there. Their local ministerial association combined efforts for the service, a dramatic reading of the passion story. As they reached the point where Jesus appeared before the Sanhedrin, someone's cell phone began ringing. And ringing. And ringing. One of the participating clergymen, Judas I think, began squirming. It was his phone, tucked away in a pocket underneath his robe. The program continued even as the pastor squirmed to reach the phone to quiet it. Ring. Ring. Ring. At that point, with a question intended for Jesus, the High Priest read his line: "And are you not going to answer?"

I thought I was going to roll right off the pew. Sometimes you just can't take a preacher to church!

Remembering

The actual date was April 20th. Emotionally, however, the event will always be tied to Easter, regardless of when Easter falls. My best friend died the Friday after Easter in 2001. I wrote about it here. I cannot enter the Easter season without remembering. Ever since her death I make my way through Easter with an underlying sense of loss. I still miss her. It still hurts.

For Me

I did something today I haven't done in a long time: I bought an old-fashioned paper journal. I've come to realize how much of my writing is for public consumption - blog posts, Facebook and Twitter updates, sermons, emails, text messages. I love the interaction of these various mediums. I like getting responses from friends and feedback from church members. (Well, most of the time anyway.) I like knowing that certain special people read what I write.

Now that my life has been turned upside down - again - I'm finding it harder and harder to write, in part because I know that what I write will indeed be read/heard. I find myself censoring what I say. What if someone from Small Church stumbles across my blog and finds a post where I've been honest about my anger and feelings of betrayal? What if my boss who is also a FB friend (and one of my references) takes offense at one of my status updates? Twitter is my safest outlet - I have been careful about who I allow to follow me there. (Not to mention that you can only be so snarky in 140 characters!) Still, it is a public forum. While the temptation to use the pulpit as a bully pulpit is strong, I know it is not right. And what if my friends and family get tired of listening to me process all my current fears and uncertainties? It has to get old. And what if I accidentally turn loose my frustration on one of them? They certainly don't deserve that.

Maybe it's time to write some for me - raw, incensord, and completely private. I wonder if I maybe have forgotten how to write by hand! I think it is time to find out how I really feel, something I rarely know until I see what I say. If I discover anything good, I'll be sure to let you know.

Thank You, Anonymous

I'm always a little apprehensive of anonymous comments on my blog. I've had a few doozies in the past which is why I enabled the comment moderation feature of Blogger. I don't want some of those nasty comments published, you know?

I had a comment from Anonymous from April 1st that I almost deleted before checking it further. It contained a link and mention of a blog that I was unfamiliar with. Curiosity got the best of me though and I did check it out. What I found was so powerful that I want you to check it out as well.

If you were one of the individuals touched by BBT's words in my post Wearing Skin, then you definitely need to go read this post. Powerful, powerful stuff. Warning: if you struggle with issues similar to ones I've described in posts like Wearing Skin, then you may want to have a tissue handy.

And thank you again, Anonymous. I hope to find out who you are one day!

(b)

When I disappear for awhile, it's a good clue that either life is (a) full and exciting, leaving little time for blogging, or (b) particularly challenging, chasing me into the land of introverts. This time it's been (b). My favorite rock has been providing needed shelter while I've licked my wounds.

I shared recently that my part-time Hispanic ministry job was being cut due to financial losses at the presbytery level. This was not completely unexpected and I was already well into the process of seeking another call, something that my session was aware of. Then without warning or prior discussion with me, my elders got together and decided that they didn't think the church could afford me anymore either. They've not been good students of polity, so they were sorely disappointed to learn that there are rules about carrying out such things. It made for one pretty nasty session meeting and one uncomfortable one which also included our presby exec and COM members. I had already spent time going over church finances, etc. with my exec and he and I came up with terms that I could live with (hopefully) that would meet my immediate needs and not wipe out the church in the meantime. Ultimately, the session agreed. The terms? I will be with Small Church through the end of July. For the next 4 months I will receive full salary, as though my part-time position hadn't been cut. After July 31, whether or not I have another position, I am gone.

I have to tell you that I'm pretty pissed and very hurt. As I said before, my elders were well aware that I am seeking a call. To have them attempt to terminate my call before I find one was a slap in the face, to say the least. At the nasty meeting (and for clarification, I was not nasty myself in that meeting, although it probably would have felt pretty good), there was not an ounce of compassion shown for my situation. Not the first word of concern that I am the sole provider for 3 children. No concern that the termination of my call would mean not only no salary, but also no benefits and no housing. There is so much more about things that happened prior to and during that meeting that I could tell you. Maybe one day I will. Ultimately though, none of that stuff matters anymore. We are set to hold a congregational meeting on the 19th of this month and the congregation will have to vote to approve the agreement. I now see my church as two separate groups: the session - a group I am not yet ready to make nice with, and the congregation - the heart of the church that happens to be hurting and scared right now. I am trying to focus my attention and energy on the latter group.

I am pretty much ok now - as ok as one can be about such things. I've had a handful of panic attacks. I've heard people talk about these before but never really knew what one was. I know now. Not fun. Most of the time, though, I'm managing ok. I am taking advantage of our health coverage's EAP for some counseling to help me process my anger/grief/panic and as I try to regroup in a way that makes me healthy enough to enter whatever my next work will be. My first appointment is next week. I'm a little nervous, not about going into counseling - I've done that before and know the benefits there. But when I consider that I take with me into that first session not only the baggage from work, but also the recent death of my sister and the grief I've shared with some very close friends, I'm a little afraid that when the dam breaks - and it will break - the resulting flood just might drown me. Yet I know that the only way to the other side of any grief or anger is straight through the middle. Ugh.

In the meantime, I'm busily working to find as many options for myself as possible, both inside and outside of the church. To be honest, I'm not even sure if I want to end up back in the church or not. That, however, is probably the subject of another post in the future.

I'm here. Ultimately, I'm relieved to know that change is coming. I just pray that the change will not include a period of unemployment. I don't believe it will, but until I know for sure it's just one day at a time.